FUNNY QUOTES

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

Sex is like snow you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last....

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.
 
Nobody dies from lack of sex. Its lack of love we die from.

My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures. 

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

When women go wrong, men go right after them."

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. (Double Dynamite)

I like my whisky old and my women young.

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.    

"Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.

"Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them."

Where there is a will there are five hundred relatives.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.